You Would Have Been 18 Today

Hi Josh.....

It's been a long time since mommy wrote to you hasn't it? Probably a couple of months. I guess a lot has been going on and in the back of my mind I knew that this birthday was going to be a tough one for me, so I've been avoiding it.

Easter, 1989 - just shy of a year old.

18 years ago today, April 30, 1988, I was a scared little teenager who'd just given birth to the most amazing, beautiful baby boy who we called Joshua Michael. 8lbs, 3ozs and gorgeous. They say that having a baby changes everything, and your arrival into my life certainly did. It changed it for the better. There wasn't anything about you that wasn't wonderful, amazing, fantastic and adorable.

You were a great big brother to Matt and Meg and I know you loved them and always called them; "my babies". I'm certain you would have been such a wonderful big brother to this day. Looking out for Meg and being buds with Matt and Zack.

I was so blessed to call myself your mom for the two years, 3 months and 10 days that I was gifted with your presence in my life.

June 1990

July 1990

July 1990

And when you left my life on August 10, 1990 my world was seemingly irreperably broken. Everything shatterd into a million pieces including my heart.

It's been 16 years since that awful night and while I've silently celebrated each of your passing birthdays by shedding some tears and wondering; "what if?", well, I can't help but feel it so much more keenly this year. It's like an old ache that's flared up again, except this time it's especially painful. It makes the scars on my heart, hurt.

Would you be tall? Would you have played football or soccer or baseball in high school? What kind of music would you like and what kind of movies would interest you? Would you have enjoyed reading as much as I do and could we talk about books together?

Next month you would have graduated from high school. I wonder, would you be going on to college? You'd be driving and dating....wow, there's a thought, I wonder if I'd like your sweethearts. Just the thought of Matt, Meg, Zack and eventually Gabriella, dating, makes me cringe. You'd be a young man, about to go out into the world and create your life and stand on your own two feet. Would I have taught you everything you'd need to know to be the best person you could be? I certainly hope so.

August 1990

I haven't exactly been a shining example of parenthood. Maybe where you are, you know that. Maybe you know that I pretty much fell apart in the years following your death. I let your sister and brothers down. And it took me a long time to pull myself up, put myself back together and go on with my life.

I did it though. I just wish you were here to share it with me.

I think you'd be so proud of the twins and Zack. Meg makes me smile just thinking about her. She and Matt are 16 now. They'll be driving soon. They're good kids, Josh. Meg is a peer counselor/mediator in school and she's doing beautifully. She's so pretty and talented and she's funny. She's got a great sense of humour and she's a joy to be around. I just hope that one day she and I can rebuild the bridge that's been badly damaged and that she'll know I love her so very much.

Matt is such a great young man. He's caring and compassionate and see's the world in a very unique way and has his own thoughts, opinions and ideas. He's very mechanical and can take apart and put just about any kind of engine back together again. He's handsome and gentle and he's a good kid. I think you and Matt would not only be brothers, but good friends!

Zack is a sweet kid and sadly because of how things have fallen apart and things he's been told and led to believe, that's all I can say about him. But I love him and yes, he resembles you so much. Sometimes it takes my breath away. I like to think he'd look up to you and want to be just like his big brother, Josh. Hard to believe he's going to be 13 tomorrow. I have to laugh when I think about the two of you having birthdays just a day apart. Well, there would have been lots of cake, that's for sure!

And now there's Gabriella. When she's older I'll tell her all about her little guardian angel who sat on her shoulder whilst she dangled so close to the precipice....but you and the Lord were there, watching over her. I'll tell her all about your smile and your laugh and how you have such a special place in my heart. She's helped me wake up and realize that I am still capable of so much love.

I think you'd like Gareth. He's a wonderful man and he's a beautiful person. And he loves me and respects me and he's a good dad...the best dad.

I remember your Grandpa Dan, my dad, telling me on the night you died, about all the things you wouldn't have to deal with.....drugs, peer pressure, hate, pain, anger....all the things that can make growing up and living in this world a sometimes difficult thing. I guess I'm glad you didn't have to deal with any of them, but I just wish I'd had the chance to help you avoid them and raise you to not be the kind of young man that feels he needs to be part of anything detrimental.

Joshua, not a day goes by that I don't miss you. Sometimes more so on certain days than others. Some days I think about you and smile and laugh, others, like today, I sit back and cry a little. Ok, well a lot. There isn't anything I wouldn't give to be able to hold you again and press my face into that headful of golden curls and look into your big brown eyes. But I can't...so instead, I'll hold Gabriella extra close and whisper your name to her and remind her about her little guardian angel with the golden curls, the big brown eyes and the beautiful smile. There are times when I hold her close to me and it's like a soothing balm on an aching heart. Oh how I wish you'd grown up to have your own children. There is nothing like looking into your baby's eyes and having them smile back up at you. There's nothing in the world like seeing your child for the first time. That's something you will never get to experience and that makes me sad.

I miss you Joshua, but I love you so much more. Happy 18th birthday my beautiful angel baby. Know that your mommy loves you and she will see you again one day.